Attachment Theory 101
Photo credit: Unsplash.com @jayicastor
Introduction & Overview:
From an overview of my healing experiences to an in-depth exploration of the four general attachment styles, I’m excited to share the seeds of wisdom that have blossomed in my understanding of relationships, emotions, and the subconscious mind. Grab your watering can and join me as we dig into how attachment theory can help us cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections and flourishing personal growth.
Quick post outline:
My Healing Journey
Attachment Theory 101
The Four General Attachment Styles
What is Integrated Attachment Theory™?
Conclusion
My Healing Journey
My political science 101 professor claimed that learning about game theory and the state of nature would be a life-changing lens to shape my worldview. I was excited for a new outlook on life! Instead, I felt underwhelmed by these theories and though they’ve been ground-breaking in that field, I prefer psychology in a different context.
So, what has rocked my world?
Attachment Theory has been a life-changing lens as I’ve learned about relationships, emotions, and the subconscious mind. My own behaviors and relationships of all sorts have been confusing for the majority of my time here on this football called Planet Earth. Some of my past behaviors have been downright perplexing. My intention is to forgive my past self, knowing I was doing the best I could while continuing to show my current self the love and acceptance I deserve.
In my search to understand human behaviors, I’ve binged content from The Science of People to Charisma on Command (truly great Youtube channels) hoping to stumble upon the secrets of how to get my crush to like me or how to deal when my friends felt distant. While the dating advice, charisma tips, positive affirmations, and many healing modalities I’ve tried had great learnings and useful components, I needed something more effective and overarching.
What I love about Thais Gibson’s take on attachment theory, is that it has explained so many of my past behaviors, given me understanding of relationship dynamics of all kinds, provided a ton of helpful tools, and allowed me to change many of my more challenging behaviors through gently engaging my subconscious mind. In the last three years, I began to not only understand but to feel that my emotions are feedback mechanisms that are here to support me. What makes this so revolutionary for me is that emotions are always present and while I thought I was good at knowing how I was feeling before, I never knew how to effectively handle my most challenging emotions. I’ve also learned what it means to feel emotionally safe and to sit with the sensations in my body instead of dismissing, supressing, or taking them for granted. Though I have more I would like to work on, I have come a long way and am so proud to be able to write this. I love being able to treat myself better than I ever have before.
Attachment Theory 101
Today’s attachment theory stands on the Sequoia-tree-sized-shoulders of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. They’re the originators of experiments and theories that illustrate how important the early bonds between children and their caregivers are, highlighting how important these attachments are for emotional and social development.
Your unique attachment style was created during your early childhood, shaped by all those interactions, experiences, and perceptions you had. Picture it as your mind's own operating manual, setting the tone for forming connections and navigating behaviors with others.
Building awareness of my mind’s operating manual and the thoughts and beliefs that inform my behaviors has been amazing because awareness is the first step in being able to isolate issues that cause challenges in my life so I can evolve them. Learning how to communicate and see the codes that other people in my life are following has also given me great insight and allowed me to take their behaviors less personally (note: boundaries are still like the netting around your tomato patch to keep the birds and bunnies from nibbling).
The Four Attachment Styles
The four general attachment styles share behavioral, emotional, and thought patterns in common. It is very likely to have a mix of one or more styles, with one dominant and one secondary style being typical. In a future blog post, I’ll get even more in-depth by detailing out the subtypes of each attachment style.
No matter what our attachment style is or where we are in terms of our healing journey, there is beauty in building awareness and empathy for ourselves. This can be easier said than done, since it may be outside of what we feel comfortable with, though it is very possible. Our behavioral and emotional patterns are habits and we can learn to cultivate new ways of being that feel safe and good in our daily lives.
1.) Fearful Avoidant (FA)
Dear beautiful FAs and friends of FAs…
🌱 Please note: As a healing FA leaning secure, I have a soft spot for fearful avoidants and am happy to have seen healing and healed FAs. No matter how challenging one’s attachment style may be, it is so very possible to heal, especially when using tools that tap into the brain’s ability to continue developing (aka neuroplasticity).
The Fearful Avoidant attachment style (aka Disorganized attachment or Anxious-Avoidant) can deeply long for connection but also fear it due to associations with love and closeness as being both positive and negative. Their inconsistent behavior in relationships comes from chaos in childhood, where experiences with their caregivers were often unpredictable. FAs have a mix of features from both the Anxious Preoccupied and Dismissive Avoidant styles, seeking closeness while pulling or pushing away due to their negative emotional associations and fear around deep emotional connection. For the FA, relationships can feel chaotic, confusing, and overwhelming because FAs swing between feeling avoidant and anxious.
Beauty of FAs:
🌸 Resilient and passionate
🌸 Deep emotional understanding, presence, awareness, and care
🌸 Curious and love learning
🌸 Can be very dedicated to the healing work
2.) Anxious Preoccupied (AP)
Dear lovely APs and friends of APs…
🌱 Please note: No matter how challenging one’s attachment style may be, it is so very possible to heal especially when using tools that tap into the brain’s ability to continue developing (aka neuroplasticity).
Inconsistency in childhood and a deep fear of abandonment or exclusion creates the Anxious Preoccupied attachment style’s constant pursuit of closeness and intimacy in relationships.
For example, they could have had one caregiver that was very loving and present and one that did not behave this way. Their abandonment fears can stem from real or perceived abandonment. The AP child creates positive associations to connection when it is available, negative associations to disconnection, and seeks to maintain connection and closeness. Relationships can often make an AP feel anxious, unsafe, or insecure because they likely have a subconscious fear of abandonment.
Beauty of APs:
🌸 Fun and charismatic
🌸 Warm, likable, and kind
🌸 Attentive in close relationships
🌸 Care about community, collaboration, and teamwork
3.) Dismissive Avoidant (DA)
Dear DAs and friends of DAs…
🌱 Please note: No matter how challenging one’s attachment style may be, it is so very possible to heal especially when using tools that tap into the brain’s ability to continue developing (aka neuroplasticity).
The DA has a strong need for freedom and personal space because of their experiences with emotional neglect during childhood. It is common for the DA to have associated seeking emotional connection as negative often because of the anguish they felt around not being able to get needs met from emotionally unavailable caregivers. At a deep subconscious level, they typically learn to supress their emotions and depend on themselves to fulfill their survival needs and basic necessities. Withdrawing time, energy, and emotions along with valuing their resources became the DA’s way of surviving. This need for independence can cause inner conflict and overwhelming feelings for the DA because their coping mechanism is to pull away or withdraw while deep down they want to connect with others.
Beauty of DAs:
🌸 Have a gift for analytical thinking
🌸 Internally very caring and sensitive
🌸 Assertive
🌸 Care about peace and harmony
4.) Securely Attached (SA)
Dear wonderful SAs…
🌱 Please note: keep doing you! Overall, you are able to handle your emotions and operate in a fair and balanced manner. Learning about the people in your life who are not able to meet you there can help give you clarity, certainty, and level up your already great communication strategies.
Balanced in thought and behaviors, securely attached people tend to feel comfortable with deep connection and independence within close relationships. They are naturally receptive of the emotions and needs of their partners and able to cultivate interdependence without excessive dependence or independence. Their relationship dynamics benefit from their abilities to communicate effectively, resolve conflict that is inherent in any relationship, and they primarily host positive beliefs and associations that make healthy connection more likely. Grounded in consistency and a nurturing environment of safety, secure attachment is often linked to conscious or authoritative parenting styles.
Secure people often feel comfortable and at ease in relationships. They are good at communicating needs and feelings, and feel open to vulnerability in relationships. Sometimes they can experience difficulty when relating to those who aren’t as secure in relationships.
Beauty of SAs:
🌸 A steady presence
🌸 Love learning and growth
🌸 Ability to create and thrive
🌸 Nuanced in how they see people, situations, and the world
5.) !BONUS!
Healing attachment styles and Earned Secure
If you are healing your attachment style or would like to start your journey, I find that to be so beautiful. It has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Beauty of a healing journey:
🌸 Deep Personal Insight: Healing often involves a profound journey of self-discovery and understanding, leading to rich insights into one’s emotional landscape and relational patterns that securely attached individuals might take for granted.
🌸 Enhanced Empathy and Compassion: The process of overcoming attachment wounds can create a heightened sense of empathy and compassion for others, especially for those who struggle with similar issues, deepening the ability to connect with and support others.
🌸 Resilience and Growth from Adversity: The struggle and triumph over insecure attachment challenges can build exceptional resilience and a unique strength, showcasing how adversity can transform into personal growth and empowerment.
🌸 Strong Motivation for Healthy Relationships: The awareness and effort put into healing can lead to a strong, proactive motivation to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships, often driven by a deep appreciation for the value of secure connections.
What is Integrated Attachment Theory?
Integrated Attachment Theory™ is Thais Gibson’s (of The Personal Development School) trademarked addition to attachment theory and it focuses on these key pillars:
1) Core wounds & Belief Patterns
2) Needs & relationship expectations
3) Emotional patterns
4) Relationship to boundaries
5) Communication patterns
6) Behavioral coping mechanisms
•For in-depth information on Integrated Attachment Theory™, check out this blog post.
Conclusion:
Thanks for joining me on this exploration of the four general attachment styles. This transformative approach has reshaped my understanding of relationships, emotions, and self-awareness, and I am excited to share these insights with you. Wherever you are on your healing journey or no matter what your attachment style is, you are worthy because you are a human and there have been beautiful blessings that have come from your experiences (even if they can be difficult to see and feel right now). I will do my best in future posts to shed light on knowledge and tools that can help you feel more empowered, deeply connect with others, and move toward your goals.
References:
The Personal Development School
Express Yourself & Build Community:
What has your healing journey been like?
What attachment theory-related topics are you interested in learning about next?
